Hey Ladies! Put metal plates over yer hoo ha, the girls, and let's go to battle.

You certainly dont have to heed my advise, but if you dont.....a vast array of ego shattering things could occur. Just so you know.

Types of men you should NEVER, under any circumstances, date:

PRETTY BOYS



It actually hurts me physically to say this, but (ouch)stay away.

When the two of you are getting ready to go out, and you find yourself mid-lipstick application, hand hovering in the air, mouth slightly agape, staring at him beside you in the mirror, and he LOOKS BETTER THAN YOU DO! Uh uh. No.

Despite the fact that sex might be incredible, because it seems as though it's a woman with a really fancy strap on, fucking the daylights out of you.....it's not worth it. They are usually pansies anyhow.

STUD MUFFIN 'BAD BOYS'



This is causing me pain as well. We all know that women want to ride that shit all the way to end of the line, and back again......

This is what happens.....in mostly chronological order.

He sweeps you off your feet the first time you meet him, you go on a date, wild weasel sex ensues, with such things as hair pulling and whispering "you like that dont you?" in your ear. (Hold on I hafta go away for a sec)

He slaps you on the back of a motorcycle, even though you are wearing a mini skirt and go-go boots, and drives you around. Men's jaws drop at the site of this man who positively oozes the kind of testosterone they could only wish for. Women get all gooshy, wide eyed, head tilted, and the lips start to resemble that of a fish. (come on, you've seen the look.)

You go to bars and clubs where everyone tells you what a "good looking couple" you are....(when most of the time, you cant help but thinking they mean HIM)

It gets worse and worse, till one day you hear two girls, whom you've never seen in your life, TALKING about how hot he is. After launching at them and knocking them over like bowling pins......and.....well you know.

It WILL drive you crazy. Trust me. (not like I've been there or anything....cough...Come to think of it, we were a DAMN good looking couple.....cough, ignore that.)

PANSY


LISTEN, if he cant carry something heavy for you without snapping in half and collapsing into a pile of his own tears.......he cant fuck either. End of story.

GEEK



Why one would do this in the first place baffles me, unless of course, you ARE one. Awwww how cute!

These passive little buddies are brewing shit storms. Sure they can defuse a bomb, but they cant seem to re-wire their brains for relationships.


They are too shy to say anything about what they want sexually, and will lie in bed waiting for you to be the aggressor forever. What they dont realize is that sometimes, a little assertiveness turns a woman into a seething snarling beast that will toss his little twig ass around like a rag doll.

Remember, these are the folks that are going to bring us such things as "space ice cream"and "heated underwear" So just steer clear, and let them be alone, that is what they REALLY WANT.

THE MAN's MAN


If having a mate who catches salmon with his teeth makes you tingly in the nether-regions.....by all means.....have a go.

I warn you however, the smell of motor oil, and animal entrails will NEVER leave your poor little upturned nose.

Conversations on his end will consist of various grunts. He has a WORKSHOP.....with a fridge and a cot in it.

While everything in your house will run like a well oiled machine, you will one day grow weary (if not homicidal) of his constant adjusting, and spitting.

METROSEXUAL



Translation: He sucked a dick in tenth grade, and it's only a matter of time. RUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNN!

THE AVID SPORTS FAN


Need I say that you will never, EVER, be a Styrofoam Number One, in this man's life.....even if you share his obsession.

THE ANTISOCIAL GAMER



I lump antisocial and gamer into one. This "man" pops boners for his female World of Warcraft characters. (Well hell, think about it, when he does have sex with you, he cant see you because his glasses are off....poor feller)

The only time he shows any zest for life is when he visits the video game section.

He will pout if you try to get him out of his comfort zone. Common excuses include: allergies (when in nature)or Pain of some sort, and video games dont cost as much money as going out.

While I, and some of you, may like video games.....there comes a point where one should see their partner draped in a huge red flag.

Subcategory for this one:

GUYS THAT DRESS IN MIDEVIL GARB and SPAR WITH ONE ANOTHER



While much more social then the "video gamer" and probably more fit as well....Nothing screams "molested as a child by a Minotaur" more than this one.

PS- He faps it to Maid Marion when you arn't home.

CONTROL FREAK


NO, is all I have to say. No, no, no, not ever.

OEDIPUS COMPLEX

Ok, perhaps not that harsh....let's just say "Mommy's lil' Bitch".
This is a particularly nasty one. The anger and resistance that they feel WAAAAY down deep towards Mummy dearest, will come out all over you in sticky, smelly mess.

THE HUMORLESS



I think I cringe the most at this one....DONT EVER DO THIS EITHER.

TRUST FUND BABY



They are about as connected to the real world as a 7 foot flaming zombie parrot. They dont know how to do anything for themselves, and when they do, it's ALWAYS half assed. They have money out the wazoo, and dont care HOW they spend it. They are spoiled in every manner, and will NEVER know the meaning of working for something, especially a relationship.

THE ROMANTIC SAP


Flowers, dinners, poetry, and cooing......are all nice ONCE, MAYBE....if one has the tolerance. Constantly though? Come on dude, GROW A PAIR! If she's not that into you, she is going to push this kind of frippery away like an Oliva Newton John CD. You need to go find some poor gal that hasn't been laid in years...she'll eat that shit up!

____________________________________________________________________________________


So, now that I think I have covered the bases, I find it time to say......the only one you can trust is yourself. I for one am going to revel in my singleness while it lasts (come on, how the hell do you think I know all this shit?!) I am still that kind of person that likes a relationship, but I think I'll be a little more discerning next time around.

Remember....you are strong, smart as hell, AND beautiful.....dont settle for just any ol' thing.